i am scared…

i am scared…

…scared of getting married.

it’s not that i’m about to get married or that i’m getting engaged.  it’s just that i’ve read these articles about celebrity couples getting a divorce or are almost there because their husbands/wives are having an affair.  heck i dont even have to read the entertainment page to get stories like these.i already have front row seats to cliched dramatic soap operas on husbands cheating wives right at the discomfort of my own home.

with that, i grew up believing , and still is until proven otherwise, that all men are vicious manipulative beasts in the realm of “love” or romance or whatever it is involving feelings.

that in order to survive their game and step out with minimal battle scars, you need to be prepared to fight as dirty and hard as they do equipped with an impenetrable armor.  if possible, leave your heart somewhere safe before entering the battle grounds so that you wouldn’t have anything to loose.

because in their game, like any other games, they get bored.  and when they do, they look for new characters to bring back the thrill and excitement leaving you used up and dying.

yes, i believed that fact – that men are no good – and kept myself out of trouble.

until i met other couples who seem to be genuinely happy and faithful to each other and tried to replace my negative views on men – all men.  i lowered down the walls i built and hoped i’d be lucky and find the guy who whould make me change my mind.

i did find a guy, but for some reason, he hasn’t eradicated the original image i have of heartless vicious men.  and it is not his fault.  the image i have of men is carved into me that even if my eyes go blind, i can still see it perfectly and clearly:  men will someday get bored, and they will always want to be entertained.  it is just a matter of time and preparation on the woman’s end.

call me a paranoid pessimist but i’m really scared.  i don’t think i’m prepared enough to win or am immune to inevitable damage.

i refuse to get hurt and i can only do that if i don’t play in a man’s game.

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